i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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