umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
