I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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