I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
