I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
