if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
