come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Drunk is not a location!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
