all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
