Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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