Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
