i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
