Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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