I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
