i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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