drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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