I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
