nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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