and you said cock pushups were impossible
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
