So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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