while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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