i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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