So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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