I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Randomize
