Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize