It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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