my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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