im six kinds of drunk right now
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
