Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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