OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
