Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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