Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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