after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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