Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
