He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
