I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
