Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
