She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
