Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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