remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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