I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
