i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
