Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
