I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
