i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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