I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
What did we do last night that was yellow?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize