3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
