I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
