He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
