i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
