But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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