Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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