I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
