I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize