I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
