you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize