I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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